I'll just whine in this journal cause there is nobody left here in my real life who can take my whining anymore, so don't feel obliged to read it if you are in a good mood, it will possibly make you feel down.

So I know that many creative people do have selfesteem issues and "problems" that are none to rational, effective people. This is one of the reasons why I hate being creative often. It's all about my work and what I do and how good it is and if I get critique I am devastated because I want to do it perfectly right and be perfect in every way. Someone who can organize himself and get the most out of him or her is certainly not knowing what I am talking about because those people tend to be satisfied with what they do because they know that it's the best they can. They accept stuff.
It is hard to live with someone who is that way because they never understand what you are going through and most of all, they get bored and annoyed after some time. So you feel like you are burning up from acid at your own worhtlessness and incompetence and the thing that's being said is: "Tell me something new. I don't want to be you, that's right. But it's not because you are undisciplined or not satisfied with how you look or what you do cause that's something I would be able to change. It's because I couldn't take running in circles all the time like you." And the worst thing is - it's true. I work things out, try to accept them and work with them and they just keep coming back to taunt me.

I cannot accept my body or having to work on something I hate or find senseless for university. I cannot accept the fact that I am an unstructured, chaotic person who is always late and loves fattening foods but cannot eat them if she wants to be thin. I cannot accept that there ARE people talking about me and poiting for my height. I cannot accept being taller and heavier and chubbier and just plain BIGGER than my boyfriend. I cannot accept not being able to paint and take brilliant photos and have top marks and not making my dad proud and not being the sportive little girl and confident perfect person he always wanted me to be. I cannot accept having done this education because he wanted it and not distanced myself when I was ready to four years ago, wasting years of my life on job training that is basically worthless for me. I should just accept these things and work with them - but for some fucking reason it seems to be abso-bloody-lutely impossible.

People leave their imprints in your life, good and bad. I tend to tune out the good and uplifting things and constantly beat myself up about the negatives. So is there anyone out there who can teach me the art of acceptance?