I'm not sure what I'm looking for anymore
I just know that I'm harder to console
I don't see who I'm trying to be instead of me
But the key is a question of control

Can you say what you're trying to play anyway
I just pay while you're breaking all the rules
All the signs that I find have been underlined
Devils thrive on the drive that is fueled

All this running around, well it's getting me down
Just give me a pain that I'm used to
I don't need to believe all the dreams you conceive
You just need to achieve something that rings true

There's a hole in your soul like an animal
With no conscience, repentance unknown
Close your eyes, pay the price for your paradise
Devils feed on the seeds that are sown

I can't conceal what I feel, what I know is real
No mistaking the faking, I care
With a prayer in the air I will leave it there
On a note full of hope not despair

All this running around, well it's getting me down
Just give me a pain that I'm used to
I don't need to believe all the dreams you conceive
You just need to achieve something that rings true

All this running around, well it's getting me down
Just give me a pain that I'm used to
I don't need to believe all the dreams you concieve
You just need to achieve something that rings true

I came across a 20 points questionnaire on youtube that one of my favourite make-up-artists answered. She's a really cool person (as far as you can see that from her videos) and I thought it's an interesting questionnaire. She says she changed some of the questions cause she found some of them stupid. I thought maybe I should make a questionnaire that really makes a difference and that forces you to take a position. I'm sick of the superficial questionnaires that say almost nothing about you if you answer them. They're all fun and games. What if they get unpleasant; will anyone still answer them?

So, I'll think about that and maybe update this.
The original questionnaire is this:

1--Thing you cannot leave the house without ?
2--Favorite Brand of makeup?
3--Favorite Flower ?
4-- Fav clothing store?
5--Favorite Perfume ?
6--Heels or flats ?
7--Do you make good grades ?
8--Favorite colors ?
9--Do you drink energy drinks ?
10--Favorite food?
11--Do you like swimming ?
12--Do you eat fries with a fork ?
13--Favourite Moisturizer?
14--Do you want to get married later on in life ?
15--Do you get mad easily ?
16--Are you into Ghost Hunting ?
17-- Any phobias?
18--Do you bite your nails ?
19--Have you ever had a near death experience?
20--Do you drink coffee ?


Feel free to answer these and link them if you like.

I'll just whine in this journal cause there is nobody left here in my real life who can take my whining anymore, so don't feel obliged to read it if you are in a good mood, it will possibly make you feel down.

So I know that many creative people do have selfesteem issues and "problems" that are none to rational, effective people. This is one of the reasons why I hate being creative often. It's all about my work and what I do and how good it is and if I get critique I am devastated because I want to do it perfectly right and be perfect in every way. Someone who can organize himself and get the most out of him or her is certainly not knowing what I am talking about because those people tend to be satisfied with what they do because they know that it's the best they can. They accept stuff.
It is hard to live with someone who is that way because they never understand what you are going through and most of all, they get bored and annoyed after some time. So you feel like you are burning up from acid at your own worhtlessness and incompetence and the thing that's being said is: "Tell me something new. I don't want to be you, that's right. But it's not because you are undisciplined or not satisfied with how you look or what you do cause that's something I would be able to change. It's because I couldn't take running in circles all the time like you." And the worst thing is - it's true. I work things out, try to accept them and work with them and they just keep coming back to taunt me.

I cannot accept my body or having to work on something I hate or find senseless for university. I cannot accept the fact that I am an unstructured, chaotic person who is always late and loves fattening foods but cannot eat them if she wants to be thin. I cannot accept that there ARE people talking about me and poiting for my height. I cannot accept being taller and heavier and chubbier and just plain BIGGER than my boyfriend. I cannot accept not being able to paint and take brilliant photos and have top marks and not making my dad proud and not being the sportive little girl and confident perfect person he always wanted me to be. I cannot accept having done this education because he wanted it and not distanced myself when I was ready to four years ago, wasting years of my life on job training that is basically worthless for me. I should just accept these things and work with them - but for some fucking reason it seems to be abso-bloody-lutely impossible.

People leave their imprints in your life, good and bad. I tend to tune out the good and uplifting things and constantly beat myself up about the negatives. So is there anyone out there who can teach me the art of acceptance?

tagged me years ago and I am obliged to comply and write this sodding journal. *lawl*
But who am I to complain; usually I like tag-games and honestly, I am flattered to be chosen.

So, the rules are:

1. Post these rules.
2. Each tagged person must post 8 things about themselves on their journal.
3. At the end, you have to choose and tag 4-8 people and post their icons on the same journal.
4. Go to their pages and send a message saying you tagged them.
5. No tag-backs.


So, eight things about myself.

1. I am pretty tall for a girl: 184cm that are about 6 feet. I've always been tall compared to other girls and even boys in my class. Only in tenth grade, when the boys finally had their growth spurts, someone besides the teacher was taller than me.

2. I am writing since I was 13, mostly fanfiction. It's grown into an obsession but unfortunately there's never been enough imagination in me to write my own novel without inspiration from somewhere else. Also, I already wrote around 800 pages of stories, the longest 118 computer pages long, but I am still unnerved with myself and the missing inspiration.

3. I’ve been playing pen and paper role playing games for about seven years in many different systems and I love doing it. My favourite games are those in which you impersonate some being that doesn’t belong, is different and powerful but also frightens people and is confused itself. Being partly human and partly werewolf or demon always inspired something special in me. It’ s like living another life for a few hours and those lives always stay with you a bit, which is a good thing. ☺ Also, I prefer pen and paper to LARP and computer games because they offer you a different kind of interaction with other people. In my opinion, you need friends to really play and get lost in that world. I want my character to be exactly the way I imagine him or her, with all the scars and thoughts, the hair and face that I want him to have. And not to be obliged to look like me because I cannot change my face in LARP or like some graphic designer imagined because I cannot reprogram his face.

4. I have 13 ribs, instead of 12 like a normal human being. I have no idea why but it doesn’t hurt or anything.

5. I love sewing and designing my own clothing. Unfortunately my sewing skills and impatient nature hinder my further development in that area. So if I ever decide to sew something for you, never look into it and check the seams.

6. I’m basically a depressed person. :/ I’m easily discouraged and expect more than humanly possible of me, but that made me do stuff I thought impossible, too. Also I don’t think much of my own skills. I really take them for granted. I am SO ungrateful. -.-“

7. Although I am basically depressed, find faults all over myself and am easily discouraged, I am a total attention whore and love to dance, model and speak in front of people. I always loved dancing, but only for the last year or so I am a founding party of “Tribalicious”. We do American Tribal Style improvision and Tribal/Gothic/Burlesque fusion.

8. I love to be dark inside but look totally harmless on the outside. Still waters run deep.



SO, I tag:







YOU'RE IT!